My Dearest Simon Peter,
Here's something I don't get. Jesus (or the J-Man as my brother calls him) told you you'd deny him 3 times. What was going
through your mind after it actually happened?
Dear Mr. DeFoe,
I was thinking that I should do it a fourth time just to make him wrong. He gets so smug and "I told you so" about
that kind of stuff.
Hi! My name is Thomas and I have a question for Thomas.
What is your favorite extreme sport? I personally like skateboarding.
Skateboarding? Really? Okay, look. That is not extreme. You want an extreme sport? Try hunting ninjas with a stick
or hippos with bean-encrusted spoon. Or rodeo. Thanks for wasting my time.
Hi! My name is Claudia, and I'm 15. I have a few questions.
Hello, Claudia, my name is
Judas, I'm 35, and I'm going to answer your questions.
1) What's with the whole betraying with a kiss thing?
Me and my friend Morgan were pondering this.
Seemed like a good idea at the time although, in hindsight, I might have
been better off using a secret handshake or something.
2) What were you like when you my age?
a lot like you are. I had already started learning my trade (accountant, for those of you who didn't know), when I wasn't
working with numbers and money, I usually worked from sunup to sundown making tents for the less fortunate, and I often spent
entire weekends fishing to support my older relatives who could no longer support themselves. So, in retrospect, I guess
I was nothing like you when I was your age.
3) My friend Elizabeth wants to know why you betrayed Jesus.
is a complicated issue. On one hand there's the 30 pieces of silver--Do you have any idea how many Cheetos that would
buy? And, on the other hand, there's the "devil made me do it" excuse. Sorry I can't be more help on this one.
Is Pontius Pilate cool or not?
For a Roman, Pontius Pilate is totally hardcore. He makes a really sweet (and
by sweet, I mean totally cool) strawberry and fig smoothie.
5) Which version of Jesus Christ Superstar was
the best --> the one with Ian Gillan (1969), the one with Ted Neeley (1973), or the one with Glenn Carter (2000)?
Alvin and the Chipmunks version.
6) Do you get mad when people use "Judas" as an insult?
I try not
to let it bother me Claudia, but Thomas wanted to say "Hi" and that it bothers him a bit when people use "doubting Thomas"
as an insult.
7) Does American Idol suck now or what?
The level of American Idol's suckiness has
not changed a bit. You've just finally realized it's been there all along.
8) Would you be on Survivor?
it's a little-known secret that I have applied for every Survivor they've held so far. Sadly, I've been rejected, but
I'm going to keep applying and maybe one day, I'll make it.
9) Do you like musicals? My school does a musical
and a play every year.
Musicals are fully rockin' and/or hardcore. This one time, after seeing Grease on the
18th straight day, me and Matthaias went out and totally bonked some ninja that just happened to be sneaking through the local
Thank you for your time!
You're welcome--thank you for the letter and for your
interest in me.
Do the Disciples watch SportsCenter?
Good question, for a gentile. Yes we do indeed watch sportcenter. In fact, it's funny you mention it because we constantly
fight about who is the best host. Personally, I enjoy the hip, urban slang filled commentary provided by Stuart Scott. Peter,
or "Dude", likes the dry humor of Dan Patrick. Unfortunately, Thomas likes Chris Berman. Man, I'm hungry. Ooh, peanuts. Bye.
To Simon Peter,
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime. What happens
if you give a man dynamite and point him toward the lake?
He usually blows up his boat on accident.
I totally dig country music but my sister's boyfriend thinks it's lame. What is the best way to go about kicking his
butt? Also, want a burrito? I have some frozen ones in my freezer.
Country music is sweet and not only sweet but also pretty cool. I personally like Randy Travis and Hank Williams but
Thomas likes Shania Twain. Sure I'll take a burrito. Just fax it to me.
I noticed that you seem to be a little different than the other Disciples. I mean you like the rodeo, which is ROCKIN'
and Louis Lamour. Are you sweeter than the other Disciples or less sweet?
Always nice to meet a fan. Well, yes, I do like some different things than the other Disciples as you say. And don't
forget that I like to play the jug, which is totally the bomb. I wouldn't say I am sweeter than the other dudes, I mean let's
face it, nobody is sweeter than Pete. I have to say that I'm just as sweet but in a different way. I do think I am a bit more
hardcore than people give me credit for... but I'm not really sure.
Everyone knows that you guys totally rock and that your sweetness
is, like, way high. So, I was hoping you could answer some burning
questions for me.
1) Michael Jackson....what
is the deal with that guy?
2) Can you guys help bring peace to the Middle East?
3) If Jesus was from Bethlehem....why
the Spanish name?
4) What exactly is in SPAM(tm)?
5) What was in the brief case in Pulp Fiction?
Since you guys wear utterly sweet sandals, are Birkenstocks any good?
7) Would it be smart for me to open a combination
hotdog and fish taco
stand? What if I also sold Skittles?
8) Gandhi wore a robe and sandals, is he fully
9) Who is Keyser SozŰ?
10) Would Harry, from that Harry and the Hendersons movie, be the exception
to the "Sasquatches need to evolve a bit" rule?
Thanks dudes. These answers would really help me out in my personal
Good luck bonking.
Wow, you really ask some piercing questions. I am Simon Peter and I will do my darndest to answer them.
1) Michael Jackson was once an angel but God cast him out of Heaven. 'Nuff said.
2) Peace in the Middle East... we can do that. Be watching the news.
3) Spanish is actually a descendant language from Latin and Latin is cool. I hope this clears it up for you.
4) You have asked the one question even the Disciples can't answer.
5) A raccoon and three boxes of Jujubees.
6) Only for hippies.
7) If your hot dogs are all-beef and you fish tacos are all-fish then it's a brilliant idea. I can't abide Skittles though.
Their commercials are lame.
8) Well Ghandi was pretty sweet but not fully hardcore or totally rockin'. His robes were cool and the sandals were tubular
but he just couldn't get the hot 20th century India babes, except for Indira, but she wasn't that hot.
9) This dude who was from Turkey with a German dad or something. I don't keep tabs on people unless thier totally sweet
and/or fully hardcore. I don't even think the guy is real though.
10) There is no exception to the rule. He may be a big time TV star, but to the Disciples, he's just another sasquatch
needing to evolve.
Anything else? Next customer please.
OK, I know Disciples write stuff which is SWEET but I am trying to learn more about them and
was wondering if they like to read. And if they do, what is it they like to read? I also have a little brother who wants to
know more about you. What books could you recommend to him?
Sally Jo Mae Mullet
Hello there Sally,
I am Luke, and while I am not technically a Disciple, I do follow Jesus and don't think twice
about it. The answer to your inquiry is, yes. Disciples like to read. We mainly read ancient scriptures, desert scrolls and
science fiction novels or an occasional road map. Thomas, however, likes Louis Lamour. As for your little brother, I'd recommend
the Bible and Lord of the Rings.
Dear Simon Peter,
How come Disciples like hot dogs, but on your page
it says not to
give them pork? Do you eat all-beef hot dogs, turkey dogs, veggie dogs?
Also, are Disciples wicked
fresh, or funky-fresh dressed to impress and
ready to party?
I am Phillip, the one-named Disciple. The first part of your question you answer yourself. We
eat all-beef franks and fish tacos which are fish mainly. The second part of your inquiry is interesting. I personally think
I an funky-fresh along with some of the other Disciples like Thomas, Judas (not Iscariot) and Simon. The others are mostly
wicked-fresh while Simon Peter is just ridiculously sweet and totally hard-core.
I know that Lepers are way cool... who could say otherwise? They are way cooler than pirates and
ninjas, this we all know. But here's my question: Can a leper fight a pirate or ninja??? I mean, wouldn't
their limbs start falling off and stuff?! Like, that would just be gross!
Dear Bewildered Bob,
Thaddeus here, I'm likely the best one to be able to answer your question. No, lepers don't directly
fight pirates and ninjas because (like you suggested) their limbs could fall off and that would be gross (instead of SWEET
which is really the image we're striving for here).
Lepers fight ninjas and pirates in a totally different way...with mind control. They have the ability
to hypnotise pirates and ninjas from a distance and cause them to turn on each other in a bloodbath. Which is just RIDICULOUS!
And the lepers don't even get their hands dirty! DUDE!
Dear Disciples, I am
jerusalem babe (from the 21st century) and I have the hots for a disciple. I am thinking of asking him out? What would be
a good place for a first date?
Present day Jerusalem babe
Dear Present day,
Good question. Well, disciples don't even think twice about following Jesus
through the desert, but on a date, it may not be the thing you're shooting for. I recommend going for fish tacos or to a comedy
James the Younger
I'm considering starting a Disciple Fan Club, because Disciples
are totally rockin and WAY better than ninjas and pirates and sloths.... and calculus for that matter. What I'm wondering
is, rather than doing some sort of pledge to start out our meetings, I'm debating whether to wail on a harp or write stuff.
Which do you think we should do?
#1 Disciple Fan
Dear #1 Disciple Fan,
It's nice to hear from a true Disciple fan. In regards to your question,
I'd have to say that on the whole, unless all your members are musically gifted and can wail on a harp properly, that writing
stuff is a more effective use of your time. However, if you can wail, then by all means, wail. Wailing (not to be confused
with Whaling) is so ridiculously sweet that I have a hard time thinking straight sometimes.
James the Younger
Dear Simon Peter,
I have a fiancÚ that really wants to be a disciple. His birthday is
coming up and I wanted to get him a really good gift. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed - Engaged to a Disciple Wanna-be
Of course. As you well know, we disciples LOVE to write. Any
kind of notebook/journal would be a good gift. Or a pen with his name on it. Or you could really go all out and
buy him a new pair of sandals. Any disciple wanna-be (or even a leper) would love to get any of those gifts.
Everyone knows that The Disciples like fish tacos and
are much SWEETER
than Pirates or Ninjas or even BigFoot. But what I would like to know
is if any or all of The
Disciples celebrate Halloween. And if so, do
they dress up? And if they dress up, what do they dress up as? Because
they do, I know that they would totally get the job done!
There was this one year that Mark dressed up as a Priest only then he realized
it wasn't Halloween. We all got a great laugh out of that one.
Dear John the Beloved,
I heard that you once fully BONKED this lame Roman Centurion because he
was eating pizza with a fork. My question is... have you ever played tennis and if so, were you any good?
Yeah, I play tennis on occasion and I am quite good. There was this one
time I was playing against the Williams' sisters, 2 on 1, and they tried to cheat. I was like, "DUDE" and I fully BONKED Venus.
I once heard that The Disciples get all the hot Jerusalem
babes. Is this
true? And if so, what qualifies a hot Jerusalem babe to the Disciples.
And what do you do when a not
so hot Jerusalem chick tries to talk to
Wana-be hot Jerusalem Babe
Dear Wana-be hot Jerusalem
I am Judas. I think I am best qualified to field this question. The hot
babe criteria is simple really. You must be hot. If 11 out of 12 Disciples deem you hot then it is found to be. As for the
second part of your question, it is a good one. It often happens to me, moreso than the others because I myself am so increadibly
hot. When a not-so-hot first century Jerusalem babe talks to me, I never blow her off. I usually try to pass her off to one
of the less hot disciples or maybe a really cool Leper.