Disciples vs. Ninjas vs. Pirates vs. BigFoot vs. Socrates

Hair

Ninjas- Who really knows what their hair is like? They are always wearing black hoods. They can't even compete in this category.

Pirates Some pirates do have pretty sweet hair but taken on the whole, they are usually dirty and have long greasy, nasty hair. The few who have some style dont make up for the majority.

BigFoot Well, its true that if this were a Who has the most hair kinda thing, BigFoot would win hands down. I mean it is pretty cool to be completely covered in hair but that doesnt constitute fully sweet hair. Quality, not quantity.

Socrates If you saw Socrates in his big-screen debut in the critically acclaimed film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (which, it is worth noting, got the Disciple seal of approval) then you know that Socrates has many things, but FULLY ROCKIN' hair is not one of them. I know you're going for the crazy philosopher look, dude, but this is the 21st century; try shaving your head, growing a goatee, and wearing some dark shades like Shaft. Then, maybe you can compete.

Disciples These guys dont even need mousse or gel or anything which is just ridiculously cool. Long hair, short hair it doesnt matter. These guys have fully ROCKIN hair!

Winner: Disciples

Clothing and Fashion Sense

Ninjas - The black gi is quite stellar in my estimation and would probably be totally sweet, but there is one problem. They all wear it. When one ninja is around he or she looks hard core  but when you see several ninjas its just drab!

Pirates Ah, the pirate. These guys wear all manner of sweet duds. Not one dresses like another. Seriously, you look at the deck of a pirate ship and its like a party for the eye. Striped pants, puffy shirts, big hats, eyepatches and peg-legs! DUDE!

BigFoot Not much to say considering the fact that BigFoot doesnt wear anything. I mean sure, the more evolved BigFeet might wear a loincloth, which are pretty sweet, but they just cant compete here.

Socrates Dude, how sweet is the toga? No matter how many people wear them, they never lose their fashion edginess. Sexy and smart, the toga makes Socrates a true contender in this department.... but is it enough to beat the pirate?

Disciples How ridiculously sweet are these guys in their robes and fully rockin sandals? The only down side is that they dont enough color into their attire. If these guys get some color going, they will win this category no question. As it stands. Sorry guys.

Winner: Pirates

Body Count

Ninjas Theres no denying the efficiency of the ninja. Sleek, fast, strong, cool and ridiculously cool, ninjas are sweet butt-kicking machines. The potential for a high body count is just sick.

Pirates While Pirates do cause a few casualties, they tend to do more plundering in their search for buried treasure and loot. Consequently, their body count is not so high.

BigFoot BigFoot is mainly a solitary type of guy, only harming someone if they are unlucky enough to stumble across him in the woods.

Socrates This isn't even a fair category for Socrates. While I sincerely believe that Socrates could have amassed a ridiculous body count had he wanted to (his kung fu is strong) he really was only responsible for one death... his own.

Disciples Being mostly tender, supple and righteous, Disciples only cause casualties in the name of truth, justice and the American way. They try to keep the body count down.

Winner: Ninjas

Physical Strength

Ninjas These guys are strong for their size but most of them are skinny little blokes. Sort of like an ant, strong for a little guy.

Pirates A lot of these guys are strong, but the fact of the matter is this. Most pirates are too lazy and a trip to the gym is often overruled for a good sailing trip looking for buried treasure and loot.

BigFoot Now this guy has muscles. Arms like 24 pythons and a barrel chest. Strength is really BigFoots well strength.

Socrates It is a little known fact that Socrates placed 3rd in the 501 B.C.E. World's Strongest Man competition. How fully hardcore is that!!!!

Disciples Everyone knows how totally sweet these guys are and that they can get the job done! They are mostly strong but individually in a weight lifting competition, they are no match for BigFoot. I was there. I saw it.

Winner: BigFoot

Babe Magnetism

Ninjas Ninjas are always too busy attaining high levels of self awareness and what-not. They never even think about dating.

Pirates No woman has ever been attracted to a pirate because these guys are just too pushy and don't do well with relationships. Too much sailing around in pirate ships and stuff.

BigFoot He's cool and all but lets face it. We all know how handsome BigFoot can look while the cameras are rolling but take away the lights and glamour and whats left? A big hairy guy.

Socrates It's hard to deny that Socrates gets the chicks. Chickks dig that soft, intellectual stuff. And take it from me, Socrates knows how to shake what his mama gave him. YEAH!

Disciples Is this even  a fair contest? We all know that Disciples get all the hot first century Jerusalem babes and thats that. Plus, the fully rockin hair helps a lot.

Winner: Disciples

Sweetness

Ninjas I'll admit, ninjas are pretty sweet. I give them a sweetness score of 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Pirates Also pretty sweet but in a totally different way than Ninjas or anyone else for that matter. On a scale of 1 to 10 pirates get 6.

BigFoot BigFoot is not so much sweet as simply cool. On the scale he gets 5.

Socrates Socrates is so the man that he's totally sweet and almost fully hardcore. The sweetest thing about Socrates is the totally awesome jive walk he has mastered. You'd think he was a pimp or something. But he isn't.

Disciples What can I say. Sweetness scale gives these guys a big perfect 10!

Winner: Disciples

Slang

Ninjas - Ninjas don't talk all that much. Stealth requirements are pretty strict even when just hanging out with friends at the mall or watch the ball game on TV. But I once heard a ninja use the word "sweet" which was pretty sweet.

Pirates - Let's face it. "Arrrrgh" is pretty dang cool being slightly cooler than "Argh" and not quite as cool as "Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhh". Other pirate slang includes "poop deck", "matey", "scurvey dog", "bitchin" and "shiver me timbers". Hard to compete with, really.

Bigfoot - Sorry but the big guy can't even "Dude". That alone puts him out of contention.

Socrates Yeah, see this is where this guy lacks. Tru Wisdom, tanscendent, enlightenment? What is that crap? Sounds like Greek to me.

Disciples - You would think that these guys couldn't compete with pirates on this one but you'd be wrong! With a vocabulary that includes "Dude", "totally", "fully", "sweet", "hardcore", "rockin", "def" and "BOOYAH!", Disciples are ready to kick in with some funky rhymes at the drop of a yarmika!

Winner: TIE: Disciples and Pirates