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The 13th Disciple

Scene 1:
[Harp music crescendos as the picture fades in to a lone man in robe and sandals walking down the road.  In the background, you can see the skyline of what appears to be Jerusalem or maybe Miami.]
 
Suddenly, just as quick as can be the lone man is surrounded by Bigfoot, Chewbacca, and the ninja leper who is controlling both of them.*  At first, it looks like the man is going to totally die, but then, he throws off his robe and he is apparently a disciple.  Any normal person would try to fight off Bigfoot and Chewbacca at the same time (and would likely die for his efforts), but this disciple knows that he really needs to go to the source and takes a flying leap at the ninja leper.  Amazingly enough, the leper is able to dodge out of the way and tries to kick the disciple as he goes flying by, but then his leg flies off and hits Bigfoot RIGHT in his primitive genetalia.  This is apparently all part of the leper's plan because he reaches into his bandages and pulls out...A WOODEN LEG!  That's right, this is no ordinary ninja leper--it's actually PAULY SHORE and he's a PIRATE!  The disciple knows he must finish this quickly and as Bigfoot and Chewbacca start to close in on him again, he headbutts Pauly Shore, breaking his concentration (and his pancreas).  The disciple pulls this SWEET Matrix-style flying kick thing and dispatches the pirate/leper/Pauly Shore.  Bigfoot and Chewbacca suddenly come to their senses and realize that they almost killed a disciple.  After they apologize profusely, the disciple decides not to BONK them but only if Bigfoot cooks his fabled Beef Stroganoff.
 
Scene 2:
[We see what appears to be some kind of party with a bunch of disciples dancing to the song Sweet Home Alabama]
 
The door bursts open and all heads turn toward the sound as this TOTALLY hardcore dude that's like 7 feet tall walks in.  At first, all the disciples think he's that dude from Rocky IV, but then, right behind him, in walks the disciple from the first scene.  Suddenly, the rest of the disciples realize it's Matthias, but who is that HUGE dude with him?????  You guessed it, it's Chewbacca.  He's decided to join up with the disciples because they are such a hardcore bunch and because Chewbacca has some TOTALLY ROCKIN' hair (and lots of it)!  Just when everything seems to be going well, though, the skylight is smashed in and Captain Morgan falls through with his foot on his barrel and everything!  Chewbacca doesn't even hesitate before he goes all like, "Uuuuuunnnnnngggggghhhhh!" and disciple kicks Captain Morgan's barrel out from under him.  The guy just falls over and can't move so Matthias picks him up and chucks him right through the skylight and back out where he came from.  Then, these totally hot babes flock around Matthias and Chewbacca and the disciples all welcome them both as fully hardcore and/or totally sweet disciples.
 
Everyone is so pumped at the new addition that they grab harps, tambourines and whatever pots and pans they can find lying around and play songs from Jesus Christ: Superstar until deep into the night!
 
 
*Note: See section on Lepers and Leper Mind Control

Random Disciple Fact:

Disciples are mammals.

This movie script is so totally hardcore.  After I read it for the first time, I kicked my friend Rusty through the wall and  we both made fun of the French for hours.  We didn't even think twice about it.  Get this, though--Rusty actually LIKES Gerard Depardeu...UGH!